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Episode 136 - Haggis and Blood Pudding
Episode Number: 136 Title: "Haggis and Blood Pudding" Recorded: 23 January 2009 Run Time: 2:32:32 File Size: 71.6 MB Description/Details There was so much to talk about this week between what's going on in our lives and the foul dietary habits of the Brits that we hardly had time to squeeze in anything else...but we did. We also included the news, SYN, and the next installment of the ASS contest -- all for the same great low price! Nerraux News *I'm reserving my spot at this home today *He's just a young G tryin' to get some respect *Maybe he shoulda just told the cops he got a 29 lb. brick... *I hope this UPS guy was at the right address *And I would have gotten away with it too, if not for that meddling search engine *"Will Rape for English Lessons" *Well, it's a better youth organization than "Young Pornographers" *Seriously, how do you not know you have this in you? *Isn't it child abuse to make your kids marry the French? *mmmmmmmm...Seagull puke!! Games Keyz hosted a game of "Screw Your Neighbor" titled "A Double Dose of Crack(ed)" with 2 segments: "The 10 Best Sarcastic Black-White Buddy Cops" and "Guy Movie Classics (And Why They Secretly Suck)". Questions #Back when Billy Crystal was still relatively amusing and Gregory Hines was still relatively alive, they starred in what is perhaps the most homoerotic of sarcastic black-white buddy cop films. To see why, you could sit through this movie, or you could just look at a picture, in which two weak-bearded smartasses hold each other tenderly in standard genital-to-anus formation. #Zeus Carver-who is only pretending to be a cop for the day-and John McClane race through the streets of New York, blowing stuff up and trying to pour water back and forth into milk cartons or something. It's fun to watch, but the pair's antics don't make a bit of goddamn sense in hindsight. Still, you can't argue with a movie in which Samuel L. Jackson spends 50% of his screen-time screaming like he's being electrocuted by his own blackness. #In this TV series, Crockett and Tubbs let the criminals know they meant business by wearing pastel blouses, sporting women's blazers, and chuckling at their pet parrot. Fortunately, the writing staff loaded the show with sarcastic dialogue in order to distract viewers from the fact that these two slapdicks would be castrated immediately if they ever actually ran into the likes of Tony Montana. #I've never seen this movie. No one I've ever met has seen this movie. I'm not even sure that Burt Reynolds ever took the time to see this movie. But the fact still remains that the only reason it was made was so that Burt Reynolds could spend 90 minutes looking surprised and talking shit to a little black kid. And there's simply nothing that Burt Reynolds does better than talking shit to little black kids. #If there's one thing that gets a hip young black fella's sarcasm motor going, it's aliens. And it there's one thing that gets a seasoned white cop's going, it's a hip young black fella being surprised about aliens. Also, the slang pisses him off. An interesting historical footnote: several teens died of alcohol poisoning in the late '90s while attempting to play a drinking game with this movie, in which participants take a shot every time Will Smith lifts one eyebrow and says, "DAMN!" #In this series of movies, Eddie Murphy wears uncomfortably tight jeans, says hilarious one-liners, and makes you cringe every time he tries to emote. But the real tour de force is turned in by white buffoon Judge Reinhold, who apparently researched his role by watching black comedians impersonate white guys. #One of their many back-and-forths between the 2 in this movie has Hammond saying that he should have his "dick bronzed" because he's so good in the sack. And Cates is just as good in the racist prick department as Hammond is in the fucking department-at one point, he refers to Hammond as" an overdressed, charcoal-colored loser." Shortly thereafter, he calls Hammond a nigger and punches him in the face. Who doesn't love it when witty sarcasm borders on racially charged violence? #This movie could have easily been called Die Hard 2 and a half. While Damon Wayans pretends he's a cop, John McClane...excuse me...Detective Hallanbeck is sarcastic when he's just killed someone, gets even more sarcastic when he's in danger of being killed, is always hungover even though he never seems to be drinking, and, most importantly, he's having trouble with his wife and smokes a lot. #If you took away the black-white buddy cops from any of the other films on this list, you'd still have some movie leftover. But in the case of this movie, the pairing of a black cop with a white cop IS the premise of the movie. All four installments boil down to the same ingenious core concept: "Two cops solve crime while making sarcastic comments. One of them is black and the other is white. Also, Danny Glover says, 'I'm too old for this shit.' Roll credits." #This is the second time McClane is mentioned in this game. The formula of this one seemed to be giving the dad from Family Matters a walkie-talkie and telling him to look up gravely and call McClane "Cowboy" a lot, thus allowing McClane to ooze sarcasm on the other end. Still, despite what you might expect, they don't fuck in the end. #Watching this movie in our contemporary era, where words like "homoerotic subtext" exist, the average viewer will spend half the film wondering when Maverick and Iceman are going to kiss already (right), and the other half wondering what a Danger Zone is, and why being on the highway to it is relevant to the film. #If you haven't seen the film in a while, you might have forgotten there are interminably long scenes without the killing of vampires, forcing you to endure the performances of both Wesley Snipes and Stephen Dorff, which in large doses may induce nausea or facial tics. Add in some bargain basement CG effects and Kris Kristofferson's decision to appear in every one of his scenes looking like a greasy Slim Jim in leather pants, and the cons start to outweigh the pros by the time the credits roll. #The script of this film simply demanded a little more than technology of the time was capable of pulling off. Special effects that looked remarkable during the '80s have aged about as well as the "one strap on, one strap off" look. Scenes with Schwarzenegger with half of his robot skull exposed look about as convincing as a trick-or-treater in a latex mask. #Stanley Kubrick's towering Full Metal Jacket came out a year after this film, making the Charlie Sheen 'Nam flick look a little silly by comparison. We're not saying it's a bad war movie, necessarily-just that if you changed the setting, you'd essentially have Universal Soldier with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren. #It's not like we're expecting plots to make sense in an Adam Sandler movie-and for the record, we happen to think Happy Gilmore is hilarious. But come on: a borderline mental retard has to go to kindergarten and learn how to finger paint in order to take over his father's multi-billion dollar corporation? Even by Sandlerian standards, this movie is painfully stupid. #The original Stephen King novel takes place largely inside the head of its protagonist as he goes slowly bonkers in a remote ghost-filled hotel. Translate that into a movie, and-not to spoil the surprise here-you've got a film where the point of the plot is that nothing happens for days. And days. And days. The final pay-off climax, with Crazy Jack chasing after his scared-shitless family with an axe, is, yes, pretty sweet. If only you didn't have to endure two hours of Nicholson staring endlessly off into space to get there. #Rife with some hilariously bad special effects and even worse acting, it's confusing now how this movie managed to freak people the hell out 30 years ago. Imagine if either the scene where the little girl projectile vomits a fire hose-like stream of pea soup or the "Fuck me, Satan!" crucifix money shot had been accompanied by a laugh track: Nowadays, you wouldn't be able to keep a straight face. #It wasn't until Scent of a Woman that moviegoers finally broke the code on Al Pacino's thespian technique: first he talks quietly. Then he SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS GODDAMN LUNGS and gesticulates wildly. We've seen this acting method used by plenty of homeless people, but to date, we haven't given any of them an Oscar for it. Even all the cocaine and chainsaws don't entirely make up for having to watch scene after uncomfortable scene of Al Pacino in Cuban blackface saying things like "Wotchu wahnt, meng?" #We'll admit there's nothing wrong with wanting to see Patrick Swayze's house burn down. Luckily, you can accomplish this on your own with a fifty cent lighter and save yourself two hours, because there's little else to enjoy in this bleak, labyrinthine mess. Only after you've hunted up the film's bonus material-like the book-within-the-movie Philosophy of Time Travel will you have any hope of understanding this convoluted rat's nest of a movie. That's a lot of dedication just to figure out a lot of vague shit about tangent universes and guys in rabbit costumes. #This movie feels like a bad campfire story that takes too damn long to tell and doesn't make any sense, and at the end the storyteller says, "Oh! I totally forgot to tell you before that the hero was a robot the whole time." Anybody who writes a mystery film that doesn't give out any clues until after it tells you the secret either doesn't understand the genre or is too drunk to care. Add to this the fact that for the ending to even work, it means everybody in the audience has been lied to about what's really happened for the last hour and a half, and you can't help but feel cheated by the end if you were actually paying attention. Answers #Running Scared #Die Hard with a Vengeance #Miami Vice #Cop and a Half #Men in Black #Beverly Hills Cop #48 Hrs. #The Last Boy Scout #Lethal Weapon #Die Hard #Top Gun #Blade #Terminator #Platoon #Billy Madison #The Shining #The Exorcist #Scarface #Donnie Darko #Usual Suspects Songs *''99 Words for Boobs'' by Robert Lund *''Overheat'' by Mad Hatter *''Stops'' by Hazel *''American Dream'' by Team Illuminati "(HFSIB) 3 Awful Years" Track Breakdown #Coming Soon. Links *Episode Homepage *Episode Download (Right-click and "Save Link as..." to download) Category:Episodes